Kingdom Hearts

[InuYashaCool]

Im just made this up so bare with me:lmao:

Sora walks down a path he doesn't know where he's going and stops at what looked like a cross roads. Infront of him he sees a light, to his left he sees nothing, and to his right he sees a setting sun but behind him has changed. It's not the path he had taken before instead its a pitch black abyss. "Sora!" Riku shouted running towards him
"what are you doing?"
"I dunno im just looking wats ahead" Sora answered they both looked around and Riku saw the same thing "it's nothing come on" Riku explained turning away until he sees Ansem "you!" Riku says angrilly
"what is it Riku?" Sora Asked turning around to see Riku holding out his keyblade at noting
"Riku there's nothing there what are you doing?" Sora Asked again looking confused:confused:
"its Ansem." Riku answered. Sora looked around with astonishment "Ansem where?" Sora asked. Ansem laughed " he cannot see me but if you want him to see something then fine." Ansem said evily Ansem threw his hands back and Sora saw infront of him a man in a long black hoded robe "no, I got rid of all of the Organization's members who are you?" Sora Asked astonished. The man took off his hood and his face was exposed standing infront of Sora was a kid about his age holding the Keyblades OathKeeper and Oblivion. The kid and light brown hair spiked to one side, and his face was normal. "who are you!?" Sora asked
"you already asked that question, but I'll answer it i'm your nobody my name is Roxas." The kid explained. Sora's jaw dropped he had never remembered having a nobody he could only remember something happening to his heart when he became a heartless. Then he remembered something that was eliminated from his heart a memory of a castle. A man just like the kid infron of him said in a courtyard infront of a mansion in a place called Twilight Town "the other side of your heart remembers this place" he must of been talking about the person infront of him. "Are you just gonna stand there I thought you were going to eliminate me seeing is that you go rid of all the others and want to finish the job" Roxas got ready.
"why are you hear Ansem?" Riku asked
"easy I want your heart, its very powerful to be chosen by the keyblade along with the king, Kairi, Roxas, and Sora and I want it" Ansem explained drawing his weapon
"well you wont have it!" Riku explained holding his sword in position

Sora and Roxas were fight vigorously already Sora had Fenrir out trying to overcome two keyblades on him until he realized wait i have magic heh heh "freeze!" Sora yelled and a white ball came out of his keyblade. Roxas jumped in the air to dodge it and and came down at Sora and yelled "fire!" and a fire ball came shouting out of Oathkeeper. Sora rolled out of the way.

20 yards away Donald, Goofy, and King Mickey heard the fighting and ran towards it. Donald with his staff, Mickey with his keyblade and Goofy with his sheild "I wonder whats going on?" Goofy asked
"Where's Riku and Sora?" Donald asked
"I dunno they're probably at the fighting" King Mickey answered. They ran to the crossraods and saw both fighting "Donald, Goofy you help Sora I'll help Riku"
"right!" Donald and Goofy said simoultaniously (sry if spelled wrong) the two rushed to help Sora . Now the real battle begins...

To Be Continued!

sry couldn't think of anything else im gonna have to type it next time (sry if it was getting suspenseful)

[Mikhile]

I'm not going to attempt reading more than the first couple of lines until you learn to punctuate and paragraph properly.

Here;

Sora walks down a path leading,
Leading where?

he doesn't know where he's going and stops at a cross roads.
Should be two sentences.

Infront of him he sees a light, to his left he sees nothing, and to his right he sees a setting sun but behind him has changed.
Should be three sentences.

Its not the path he had taken before
"Its not" should be "It isn't" and "he had taken before" should be "which brought him here" or something like that.

bitch black abyss.
How did that P turn into a B?

"Sora!" Riku shouted running towards him
Should be either;
"Sora!" Riku shouted as he ran towards him.
Or
"Sora!" Riku shouts as he runs towards him.
Keep your tenses constant. It should either be past or present, not both.

And I can't stress enough, even though you've paragraphed your dialogue properly (for the most part), you need to create new paragraphs when you're introducing a new idea. See here:

"easy I want your heart, its very powerful to be chosen by the keyblade along with the king, Kairi, Roxas, and Sora and I want it" Ansem explained drawing his weapon
"well you wont have it!" Riku explained holding his sword in position
New paragraph should start here.
Sora and Roxas were fight vigorously already Sora had Fenrir out trying to overcome two keyblades on him until he realized wait i have magic heh heh "freeze!" Sora yelled and a white ball came out of his keyblade.

Etc.

Edit: Okay, while I'm here and you're not, I'll go on.

I tried interpreting the story; I really did, but I don't know enough about Kingdom Hearts to pretend I understood these words. It's basically just "Man A appears and does something and then Man B appears and says something and then Man C appears and Man B is scared of Man C and Man C does something to make Man D appear and then something else happens."

There is no pacing. It is so badly punctuated that any other attempts at punctuation are rendered useless.

20 yards away Donald, Goofy, and King Mickey heard the fighting and ran towards it.
Um, yeah. So they were just standing there, ~18 metres away while all this was going on, but they had nothing to do with the story until now?

"Where's Riku and Sora?" Donald asked
" I dunno they're probably at the fighting" King Mickey answered. THey ran to the crossraods and saw both fighting "Donald, Goofy you help Sora I'll help Riku"
They're 18 metres away, can hear the fight, but they can't see it? Where the hell did physics go?

[ZeroEverlast]

Ah, crap.

Blair beat me to it.

[.Anna.]

I'm not going to attempt reading more than the first couple of lines until you learn to punctuate and paragraph properly.

Here;


Leading where?


Should be two sentences.


Should be three sentences.


"Its not" should be "It isn't" and "he had taken before" should be "which brought him here" or something like that.


How did that P turn into a B?


Should be either;
"Sora!" Riku shouted as he ran towards him.
Or
"Sora!" Riku shouts as he runs towards him.
Keep your tenses constant. It should either be past or present, not both.

And I can't stress enough, even though you've paragraphed your dialogue properly (for the most part), you need to create new paragraphs when you're introducing a new idea. See here:



Etc.

Edit: Okay, while I'm here and you're not, I'll go on.

I tried interpreting the story; I really did, but I don't know enough about Kingdom Hearts to pretend I understood these words. It's basically just "Man A appears and does something and then Man B appears and says something and then Man C appears and Man B is scared of Man C and Man C does something to make Man D appear and then something else happens."

There is no pacing. It is so badly punctuated that any other attempts at punctuation are rendered useless.


Um, yeah. So they were just standing there, ~18 metres away while all this was going on, but they had nothing to do with the story until now?


They're 18 metres away, can hear the fight, but they can't see it? Where the hell did physics go? What he said... >>

[InuYashaCool]

Mikhile is says they ran towards the fighting and then they saw Riku and Sora fighting

[Mikhile]

But it says that they're 20 yards away and they ask "Where's Sora?" Surely if somebody was fighting within earshot you'd be looking.

And I see you've edited to take into account one or two of my points, but here's the thing:

It still sucks. If this was for even a seventh grade English class, you'd fail. At least, I'd fail you. Hard.

[FANTASY FAN]

you gotta um great imagination........

[InuYashaCool]

Kingdom Hearts part 2

"hiya" Goofy yelled smaking Roxas with his shield
" so you're not strong enough to face me by yourself, you need the help of a stupid duck and an even stupider dog!" Roxas said laughing Donald and Goofy got angry " take this!" Donald yelled angrily and a giant thunder bolt came out of his staff shocking Roxas. Then Sora leaped in the air and slashed Roxas, and landed then pulled off Ars Arcanum. When Roxas fell down Goofy jumped in the air and smashed his shield on his head. Then he turned into dakness and disapearred "what?" Sora said astonished
"It was like he was a heartless" Donald explained
"was he really there or was Roxas an illusion to draw my attention away from Riku?" Sora thought. Sora quickly turned around and sure enough he saw Ansem, Riku, and the king all fighting "should we help them?" Goofy asked Sora and Donald
"na, Riku can handle it" Sora answered

"Give up Ansem you're slowing down." Riku explained. Ansem ignored him and charged at him then "take this" and the King slashed him "uugh!" Ansem moaned wiping blood away from his mouth. " We'll settle this another time" Ansem said about to teleport
"ooh no u don't" Riku said charging him with his keyblade. Ansem smacked him out of the way and teleported. "NO, come back you panzy!" Riku yelled into the sky. Riku started to run towards the setting sun trying to persue Ansem, and Sora followed with the King, Goofy, and Donald taking the rear.


To be Continued

[FANTASY FAN]

you gotta um great imagination.........*BARF*

[Kingdom's Sunset]

It's too long can someone read it for me?

[FANTASY FAN]

say that again!

[ZeroEverlast]

How about "it's too poorly written" instead?

Spruce your text up a bit and perhaps, then, people would actually bother reading it.

[Kingdom's Sunset]

That's mean Zero!! Even if it's true.
I only read 2 lines then I was bored.
IT TO FREAKING LONG!!!
(I repent.)

[InuYashaCool]

ok here's part 3 has to do with Roxas...

Roxas walked into a alley way in Twilight Town "Home Sweet Home!" Roxas said to himself he took off his long black hooded cloak and walked in his usual bage (bayj pronuctiation dont know how to spell it)vest and bage jeans and black T-shirt. "Roxas!" Someone yelled the voice sounded familiar "Naminé?" Roxas asked turning around and sure enough Naminé was running towards him. "It'sbeen too long Naminé i almost forgot wat ur smile looked like!" Roxas explained Naminé smiled
"come on I want to show you something" Naminé explained now tugging on Roxas's arm until they ended up in the mansion where ROxas first used his keyblade. "What about it?" Roxas asked
"Watch." Naminé answered holding her hands together infront of her chest. A ball of light appeared and it showed Roxas fighting the silver heartless (i think its a heartless) Roxas pointed at the fight "I really showed that thing didn't I?" Roxas asked Naminé smiled and the memory ended
"I want to show you something else" Naminé said holding her hands infront of her chest again, another light ball came out and it showed Roxas fighting Axel "You had just gotten your keyblade and you defeated him like you were a pro." Naminé explained Roxas had his head sank he rememebered he had killed one of his own people "Roxas what's the matter?" Naminé asked
"It's my turn to show you something." Roxas said
"what!?" Naminé asked while Roxas put over his normal clothes The Organization cloak "no!" Naminé said astonished and she ran "Naminé please come back!" Roxas yelled and she ran and kept running and she kept her distance from him "why did I do that?" Roxas asked himself, turned and walked away and left Twilight Town.

[ZeroEverlast]

Zzz... SNORE

[Mikhile]

Stop.

Come back when you learn English.

[Suki]

Sora is the main character right?

[InuYashaCool]

yesm

[Suki]

Kingdom hearts Rules

[InuYashaCool]

yesm it doesm