Leave It All Behind

[KatandMouse]

"Pink and purple,
Settles to blue,
And then black.

The moon rises high in the sky,
And the stars show themselves,
As I step out of my coffin,
Shedding the black silk sheets,
Around my feet.

I step into the cool night,
Where the wind blows gently,
Against my skin.

I glance up to the full moon,
And drink in its light.

I am calm and serene,
But inside I ache.
Ache for a reason I do not understand.
This feeling is new to me,
In so many ways.

I need blood to make my mind go blank.
If I drink it then I will not think,
And I don't want to,
Not now.

There.
A mortal is sitting on a fence rail.
I will take his blood as mine,
And banish these thoughts of turmoil.

He looks up when I move in front of him,
And cast a shadow across the moonlight

He seems kind enough.
He says hello,
And asks me my name.

I tell him,
And ask if I may sit down.
He says I can,
So I sit beside him on the fence.

The smell of blood draws me,
Even without an already open wound.

But is this right?
To banish these thoughts,
I am willing to take his blood?
Maybe his life?

No.
That is the answer.
It is not right.
But I will do it anyway,
Because I cannot stand to think these things.

So I lean in,
Let my fangs touch his skin.
He asks me what I am doing.
So I tell him.
He doesn't believe me.

But he lets me bite him anyway.
My fangs sink in,
And I hear him whimper.
Does he believe me now?
Have I scared him?

It doesn't matter,
Not anymore.
Not as I swallow sweet blood.
It washes over my tongue,
And I can feel my mind,
Slipping away.

This is the place I want to be.
I feel his fear grow,
As I swallow him whole.

I feel my mind leave,
And I feel the joy of being here.
In this world where I rule.
Where my mind does as it pleases,
Where it is free.

I bite harder,
Swallowing his escense.
And now he is dead.
But I am free,
So I must thank him.

I lick the blood from my lips,
And taste sweet freedom..."

And... yeah... yet another vampire poem. Hehe. Hope you all likies. ^-^

[Hion]

It's......Good

[KatandMouse]

That doesn't sound very sincere, Hion... I don't mind if you don't like it.

[Hion]

No don't get me wrong I like it but.......It just reminds me of something in my past

[sasukesamuri]

it was good

[Anime_Demoness]

it was great ~ws~

i have a friend and she would really love it~ws~

[Sanosuke]

I like the setting of this one. ^-^ Nice job.

[Mr_Devious]

could use a little more cowbell, but other than that it's good

[Black Ashes]

i just got one thing about it.
in the first couple paragraphs some of the lines could of been joined to make it flow nicer. the endings on your sentences are very important because it helps the poem flow.
other than that it was a very good poem

[sasukesamuri]

...what she said...

[Kanadian Beast]

Oh excellent! Makes me think of the time when I was in Iraq.

[sasukesamuri]

you were in iraq when and....how???

[ZeroEverlast]

Is this supposed to be poetry?


It's quite simply
Sub-par prose
Interspersed
With irregular indents
Which is
To say the last
Annoying as hell
To read

Not to mention
You don't have a clue
What poetic devices are

No metaphors
No alliterations
No consonance
Just a blank canvas
You took the liberty to shit on


I recommend reading some real poetry and assimilating what makes it great. The more I read your writing, the more pissed I am at how pretentious yet substandard it is.

There's room for improvement. Lots of it.

[El Wiseguy]

I have to agree with Zero here, but not with the harshness. :P

You just wrote a short story without any real hidden meaning. Writing it out in Normal Paragraph form would have been just the same... actually it would have been better.

[KatandMouse]

Zero. At least I can spell. ^-^

[ZeroEverlast]

Mostly true.

I bite harder,
Swallowing his escense.
And now he is dead.
But I am free,
So I must thank him.

Though, yes, I'll give you that. At the very least you can spell.

[Kanadian Beast]

you were in iraq when and....how???

I was in Iraq once upon a time. It was a happy place. Green meadows and bubbly creeks. The kids laughed and played with candy gum drop smiles.

[KatandMouse]

It's quite simply
Sub-par prose
Interspersed
With irregular indents
Which is
To say the last
Annoying as hell
To read

At least I don't misspell words as simple as "least".

[staticgrave666]

Is this supposed to be poetry?


It's quite simply
Sub-par prose
Interspersed
With irregular indents
Which is
To say the last
Annoying as hell
To read

Not to mention
You don't have a clueD
What poetic devices are

No metaphors
No alliterations
No consonance
Just a blank canvas
You took the liberty to shit on


I recommend reading some real poetry and assimilating what makes it great. The more I read your writing, the more pissed I am at how pretentious yet substandard it is.

There's room for improvement. Lots of it.

There's such a thing as constructive criticism, then theres just being a prick. As all ways you fall into the latter category.
Keep at it K@, I liked it...

[KatandMouse]

Thanks, Static. ^-^

[ZeroEverlast]

At least I don't misspell words as simple as "least".

Well if you insist on pushing the issue, it's fairly obvious my error was a typo whereas yours was fueled by ignorance.

[KatandMouse]

And what do you base that on?

[El Wiseguy]

Well, as Static put it, he's clearly not in error in what he wrote. He's just being a dick about it. :)

[Kanadian Beast]

Wow! I haven't heard you say dick in years.

[KatandMouse]

Yes. I'm willing to agree with you, Wiseguy. I never said that I was the best at this. I never said there wasn't lots of room for improvement.

What I did however say is: there is no reason to be said dick about it, Zero.

[ZeroEverlast]

The sheer number of words in the English language that contain the "-sc-" combination.

I don't need to base my argumentation on anything since it's quite self-evident in this case.

Unless your intellect-deficiency overrules even such simple reasoning?



Of course I'm not wrong in my criticism. And I don't see the point of being nice to someone who oh-so-gleefully partakes in Zero-bashing.

[staticgrave666]

The sheer number of words in the English language that contain the "-sc-" combination.

I don't need to base my argumentation on anything since it's quite self-evident in this case.

Unless your intellect-deficiency overrules even such simple reasoning?

Zero, do you get off on winning arguments with 13-year old girls? If not, theres no reason to push the issue further.

[El Wiseguy]

No point in dragging this out man. She's got a point. She's saying that yeah, she's not the best. Your criticism wasn't put well in the fact that it didn't help her to achieve being better at writing.

So, no point in insulting her when she's done nothing wrong.

[KatandMouse]

Here's one for you, Zero.

Why is it that you feel the need to argue with people who are a lot younger than you? Is it because you're too pathetic to win against anyone your own age? Or simply because you're too lazy to fight a challenge?

[ZeroEverlast]

Hmm? Who's arguing with who? You posted your so-called "poem" on a public forum, rendering it open to both praise and criticism.

I merely gave my opinion, whereas you, utterly dissatisfied with my take on it, decided to go all anal-retentive with some weak remark about spelling that you inevitably failed to back up once I pointed out your own mistake.

And now you're trying to act like I'm the one at fault?

You got plenty of praise, and you were happy about it. But can't stand even the slightest bit of critique, can you? Perhaps if you'd written something better, I would've agreed with it. But the fact is that it was pretty lame, and, objectively, most people will agree to that.

I'll argue with anyone who wants to argue with me, no matter their age, so please don't try to hide behind that weak argument. Sanosuke already tried it and failed at it.

And, well, I don't see how the query about laziness is even remotely related to this.

[staticgrave666]

Ok, Zero your opinion is known, no more shots at Zero, and no more shots at K@.

[ZeroEverlast]

Yeah?

And I actually figured I'd be nice for once and only write about one of her poems rather than dismantle each one individually. :(

Gosh, so much for thoughtfulness.

[staticgrave666]

Why do you always insist on having the last word?
I try to end things peacefully and you gotta start some trouble.

[ZeroEverlast]

Take a chill pill, dude.

It was just a lighthearted jab. As it often is. If animelvrgurl wants to make something out of it, it's not my problem. Though I'll resume arguing if she truly insists.

I'm not one to disappoint the ladies.



And also, yeah, I love having the last word.

Harharhar. :D

[KatandMouse]

I'm sure you do...

And you should know, the only reason that I'm shutting up is because Static wants me to...

[ZeroEverlast]

Cool cool cool.


Should I be thankful or something?


If it'll help relieve the stress, go ahead and flame to your heart's content. I'll try my very best to match you, though I'm not quite sure if it'll be enough.

[KatandMouse]

You really do need to work on your sarcasm. It's a little drippy.

[ZeroEverlast]

Once again, that statement was entirely void of sarcasm.

Congratulations.

[KatandMouse]

Funny how I know that's a lie. Considering what the last line says.

Oh, and by the way, I was being sarcastic too.

[ZeroEverlast]

Truly fascinating, tell me more!

[KatandMouse]

And I'm guessing you're going to tell me that's not sarcasm too? I think you've been in your jar of Nutella for a little too long.

[ZeroEverlast]

Yeah, that totally wasn't sarcastic. True story.

And in reply to the Nutella jab:
Blasphemy.

[KatandMouse]

You know... you can have the last word... I don't want it. All I'm gonna add is this: ^-^

[El Wiseguy]

Well goodnight to this.

*Closed*